Before SoCal

I Have a Bad Habit

Well, I have more than one bad habit, but for now I’ll just talk about one.

I had such a good time with my coworkers tonight…it was the first time I’ve been out since I moved home in May.  Quite honestly, life has been fairly boring, so it was fun to get out and do something a little different.  But on my way home, I went from feeling so elated from the night to…sad.

I couldn’t quite place my finger on it, but I thought about it more, and I began thinking about something I’ve noticed about myself.

My mom has called me out on it before, and I never thought she was right, but I realized recently that she is correct.  Completely, and 100% right.  Whoa, don’t tell her I said that.  I have a tendency of looking at everyone else, and thinking they have it better than me.

I look at two of my best friends living together up in Boston.  Both work at schools, doing jobs they love.  Both in a happy relationship, living in an amazing apartment in Boston.  I look at another one of my friends from school living up in Massachusetts.  Her job is less-than-ideal for her, but overall, she’s happy and life is good (Elissa, I’m looking at you).  Another one of my old roommates is living at home, but in a couple of months, she’s leaving to work in Bolivia for 9 months.  I could go on and on about people I know, but I’ll refrain from doing so.

And then I look back at myself.

Yes, I have a good paying job.  I’m lucky for that, and I know I am.  But here I am, living at home.  Back in a town I swore to myself I’d never return to.  I’m saving up a lot of money, and I’m happy about that, as I know it will give me a lot of opportunities in the future, but still.  I’m lost.  I am not happy with any aspect of my life.  I’m content with some parts, but content isn’t good enough.  Life is too short to be merely content with things.

And I feel so stupid writing this and feeling this way.  I know that I’m so fortunate to have everything I have and I also know that plenty of people look at me the way that I look at other people and think that I have everything.  I know that no one has a perfect life; I get that.  But something is missing for me.  Something has been missing for a very long time and I don’t know what it is.

I feel like I’m going through the motions every single day.  I feel like I wish the week away so it can be the weekend.  I feel like I’m wasting time.  I feel like I have no direction.

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