Before SoCal · life

I’ve Been Having Doubts…

…about my big decision.  My big decision to move to Manhattan.  But I can’t sit on this decision much longer.  My roommates want to get together to sign a lease next Saturday.  As in, just over a week from now.  As in, I need to make a decision.

I’ve been dabbling in a list of mental pros and cons to moving and staying, but I have yet to actually write one out.  So I guess this is what I will do.

Staying Pros

  • Save more money.  If I decide I want to move anywhere in the near future, staying at my current job and continuing to live at home will allow me to save a lot more money.
  • Continue to hang out with friends here.  Go figure, I’m just now starting to have a more active social life.  At the very least, I have a few people I can always count on, so that’s nice.
  • Be close to family.  My grandma is 95 and my dog is near the end.  I know my grandma wouldn’t want to be the reason to hold me back, but it’s nice knowing that if something happens I am always like a 15-minute drive from her house.  And that goes for the rest of my family as well.  Regardless of the fact that New York is a mere 2.5 hours away, a 15-minute drive is easier and cheaper.
  • It will give me more time to make a decision.  If this is something I really want, then six months or a year from now, I’ll still want it.  What is the rush?
  • I would be able to stay at my current job, seeing as I don’t have one lined up in New York.  This is probably one of the biggest reasons I don’t want to move.  Unemployment is not looking all that thrilling to me, especially when I’d be in one of the most expensive cities in the world.

Staying Cons

  • I will always wonder “What if?” if I don’t go.  This is something I’ve wanted for years.  Years and years and years.  If I stay, I will always have some sort of doubt in my mind about what life would’ve been like if I’d gone.
  • I would have to stay at my current job, seeing as I don’t have one lined up here.  It’s no secret that I’m not crazy about my current career path.  If I didn’t move, I’d stay at my current job for lack of another opportunity.  At this point, I’ve already expressed interest in moving (but staying with the company) to the higher-ups, so I really can’t stay, even if I wanted to.  And I’m not even sure that I want to.
  • I’d be letting two great people down.  I know I need to worry about myself more than anyone else, but I have pretty much committed to living with two great girls.  I would really hate to let them down.  I know they’d find someone else easily, but still.

Moving Pros

  • It’s New York.  Nothing else more to say.
  • I’d be able to start over.  There is no better place for me to find a job in my field, nor is there a better place for me to “figure myself out.”  And if I decide my field isn’t for me, there are so many places and opportunities from which I will be able to determine what I want to do with my life.
  • I have friends there.  It’s not like I don’t know anyone there.  I’ll already be living with two great girls, and I know quite a few people from college that live in Manhattan and Brooklyn.
  • Now is the time to do it.  If I wait too long, I’ll never do it, and the opportunity to be reckless and take risks is slowly closing in on me.  I likely won’t have the chance to do something like this years from now, so at this point in my life, it’s pretty much the ideal time.

Moving Cons

  • Money.  It’s all about that paper.  I don’t have enough to last more than a year there.  Ideally, I wanted to have a job lined up before I left so that I would have money coming in right away.  I hate that the second I sign that lease, I’ll be giving away thousands of dollars for that first month of rent, as well as the deposit.  And if there’s a broker fee?  Forget it.  Money is stressing me out a lot.  Being the frugal person I am, the thought of paying three times as much for rent than when I lived in Worcester (and probably three times as much for literally everything else) gives me anxiety.
  • No job.  Yeah, you get it by now.  I don’t have a job lined up yet.  It’s freaking me out.
  • I will always wonder “What if?” if I leave.  What if I found a job I liked here?  What if I found a great relationship?  What if I saved up more money and then could buy a house or move anywhere I wanted with far less stress?
  • I’d be leaving my friends/coworkers.  This ties back to the “letting people down” con for not moving.  It’s not so much me letting anyone down.  More than anything else, it’s just leaving some really great people behind.  Friendships always make me sad when I know that they are possibly temporary.  Now that time is winding down, I get sad thinking that the wonderful friends I’ve made through work and that I’ve know for years will not really be a part of my life anymore.

——

So there we have it.

Staying…
The pros?  There’s five of them.
The cons?  Three.

Moving…
The pros?  Four.
The cons?  Four.

So overall?  There are more pros and less cons to me staying.  Mathematically, it makes sense for me to stay.

But I’m still so torn right now.  I guess in the end it comes down to overall motivation.  This is something I’ve been questioning as well.  Yes, I’ve always wanted to live in New York, but is it possible that certain circumstances have pushed me in either direction, both to stay and to move?  Absolutely.  That’s something else I’m going to have to think about and write down in the next few days.

Why is this so stressful?  How could I have been so sure of this a few weeks ago and now I feel like this decision will ruin everything?

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